long-term-relationships, desireI’m a part of a relationship that is committed and monogamous. I want sexual relations between 3-5 times a week, my spouse wants something closer to 1 or 2 times a month. My spouse is a great match to me in all other facets of my life, but this one area is really causing us a bit of trouble. She feels like I’m constantly pestering her, I feel like she don’t care about me because of the lack of desire.
How do we fix this?
Having sexual relations does not necessarily mean that you have intercourse. Oral sex and digital/manual sex (handjobs/fingering in layman’s terms) are two options that you should consider if you haven’t already, and having your spouse perform these on you (with your reciprocating when she desires it, of course!) would not require her to be sexually aroused if she is not in the mood for it, but would allow you the intimacy that comes from being with another person. Mutual masturbation can also help a relationship, and if she doesn’t want to participate, you could ask her if it’s alright if you do so next to her or while she’s in the room.
You might also see what you can do to get her in the mood. Massage and foreplay are by no means underrated; also, learn about and utilise what you know of what turns her on and how she likes things.
Anothoer option (if the previous two fail) includes sex toys. I don’t want to make assumptions about your gender, since you don’t say, and neither does your profile, so I will just say that they can be very useful both for solo use and with a partner, no matter how you identify. If you’re female, there is a plethora of different toys available. If you’re male, they’re not just for cisgendered women to use; there are plenty of ways for men to stimulate themselves, too, including (but not limited to) cock rings, fleshlights, and cock sleeves, as well as various kinds of anal stimulation, which is not just for gay men, as many people believe (in fact, not all gay men enjoy anal sex at all). As a starting point, Good Vibrations (http://www.goodvibes.com) has a large number of options, and there are many other online venues available if you’re interested.
A third choice is to discuss a nonmongamous relationship with your spouse. I am aware that you described your relationship as monogamous, and I also stress the discussion aspect of this. If you choose this route, be honest with her; tell her the issues that you’re having (although if you haven’t done that yet, you definitely should!) and see if she might be open to the prospect of you attaining sexual gratification elsewhere. This is something that many couples will not consider, but it can greatly improve someone’s well-being. Sex Advice columnist Dan Savage has a lot to say on this topic (he describes it as “monogamish”), and one of his recent columns had a number of letters from couples who benefit from it: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386. There are quite a few other columns in the archives that discuss the same issues, as well.
I do hope this helps!
All content is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.