Sexuality Stack Exchange Archive

What are some effective ways to deal with differences in libido in a long-term relationship?

When one partner wants sex more often, it often creates a “chasing dynamic,” where “A” tries to initiate sex and “B” usually says no or submits out of a sense of duty. As this becomes an established pattern, “A” increasingly feels rejected and unloved and “B” increasingly feels harassed or sexually inadequate.

Some couples avoid this, even with substantial differences in levels of desire. What tricks do they use? What do sex therapists and marriage counselors recommend for couples in this situation? For straight couples, does effectiveness depend on which partner has the higher libido?

Answer 376

This is a common problem, that many couples experience.

A surely incomplete list of possible strategies that I’ve encountered others employing:

  1. Communication - step back and simply talk about what’s going on: what the desires are from each side, whether those are sexual desires, or desires to have the dishes cleaned, or to be wanted, or to have time to sit and read, or whatever. If each party can have a compassionate understanding for what’s going on with the other party, perhaps some creative solutions can be worked on between them, that actually work towards solving both parties’ needs. A few specific ideas on what this might look like, below.
  2. Creative Signaling - Perhaps instead of approaching partner B, and asking for sex, partner A could place an object somewhere, that’s been a pre-arranged signal that partner A is craving sex. It’s then up to partner B to initiate an interaction, which may or may not include sex, but would hopefully at least validate partner A’s desire for it. The signaling might also go the other direction. Perhaps partner B might have a way to signal that they’d be receptive to approaches from partner A, say. Or a different signal to say that this would be a poor time for it.
  3. Scheduling - some people find that knowing when this might be coming allows them to plan their mental space, and be more ready for sex. If partner B is such a person, then perhaps partner A could request a time on the calendar for their next sexual encounter. Or perhaps there’d be a regular interval set up. Different people will have different ideas about frequency, amount of warning required, etc., so go back to point #1 and communicate about what might work in this regard.
  4. Masturbation - many people find that masturbation can be helpful for resolving sexual tension. Also, some people find that when watching a partner masturbate, they end up getting turned on, and masturbation turns into sex.
  5. Consensual non-monogamy - some people with high libidos, for example, find that they can have their sexual desires better filled by having multiple partners. Some partners of such people feel a great sense of relief when their partner finds (an)other partner(s), because now they’re not feeling pressured all the time. Of course, this is a vast subject unto itself, and offers a variety of challenges to someone not already inclined towards this path. That said, it’s one option that people could explore.

I don’t have enough knowledge about what advice sex therapists or relationship counselors might give, so I’m afraid I’m unable to answer that question. I also don’t quite feel qualified to say much about the gender dynamics question, except to say that it’s definitely the case that many people do find gender-role dynamics to be relevant in situations like this, even in non-straight couples.

Hopefully the above tips will qualify as a helpful answer to the initial question, though, even if an incomplete one.

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