anal-sex, painDoes pain mean we were doing something wrong, and with better technique the pain could be avoided, or is it that pain is something to be expected, with the benefits outweighing the negative for other couples? We did use lube, although maybe not completely effectively, and nerves were a factor.
I suppose there is also the possibility that the pain is something people derive pleasure from itself, sort of like bitter food at a fancy restaurant… But we still enjoy tasty food in restaurants.
I would like to know if it’s something that will just generally tend to happen from time to time, or a sign something being wrong.
Yes, anal intercourse can be completely pain free. However, like other types of intercourse that the body is not naturally designed for (such as urethral intercourse), it may take some time to actually be able to have anal intercourse without pain.
The first of two problems has to do with the sphincter muscle. It’s basically permanently closed by default, and only after learning to control it can a person will it to allow foreign objects. Normally, this control is only subconscious, like breathing or heart rate, but we can control it to some extent by exercising it regularly. This is done by starting with small objects that are phallus-shaped, such as “sounds”, which are gauged to each increasingly larger sizes as you go up. I recommend using only sanitized toys that are designed for the purpose of sexual exploration, not candles, batteries, pens, or other objects that have other purposes. They can have sharp edges that can cut or stab.
Find a toy that gives an “uncomfortable” feeling, like you really need to defecate, but instead of trying to push it out, focus on letting it stay there. That focus will give you control over the muscle, allowing it to relax. If done right, you’ll notice that after a few minutes it seems to be more comfortable. You can experiment fairly safely in the “uncomfortable” zone without harm. Once that toy is like second nature, you can move up to the next “uncomfortable” size. I’d suggest at least fifteen minutes at each level before continuing.
You’ll notice that after a few minutes of playing with an object that “barely fits”, will slide in and out without any problems once your body has accommodated for it.
The other important factor is that the entire region has a lining much like skin. If you stretch it too quickly, you’ll create a tear, which causes bleeding, hemorrhaging, and other unpleasant side effects. A severe enough tear will need medical attention, and you’ll have to explain what you were doing. I’m pretty sure the ER doctors don’t want to have to explore a rectum any more than you want to have it explored with surgical tools.
Like other body parts, such as skin, earlobes, and the urethra, you can slowly stretch this body part out over time. By stretching it just to the point where it feels very uncomfortable, but not painful (it feels like its stretching), you’re actually creating micro-tears in the tissue. This is permanent “damage,” and will heal quickly, but the tissue will be permanently larger than it was before. As you can imagine, you can continue to create micro-tears, allowing several days for healing between each attempt, to allow nearly unbelievable stretching. See “goatse” on Google Images, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
When you’re experimenting with increasing size, pay attention to the feeling. There’s the uncomfortable bit of of allowing the muscles to relax, and there’s a completely different feeling of stretching when you’re at your physical limit. That stretching must be done carefully, and in a controlled manner, or you’ll cause some serious damage.
You may have heard that anal stretching and/or intercourse leads to incontinence later in life. The two events appear largely uncorrelated by most serious studies, as the sphincter will generally do its job of holding feces in until you let loose– if it was going to happen, it was going to happen anyways, regardless of any stretching you may have done earlier in life. The muscle generally “grows old” and fails to do its job as well as it used to.
Many people will say that anal intercourse must have some pain because you’re rubbing nerves the wrong way. This simply isn’t true. Those nerves are telling you that you’re doing damage you’ll regret later when you feel pain. Normally, you should simply feel “like you have to go”, which means the nerves are simulated, but not in any actual danger of damage.
Anal intercourse can be pleasurable for both partners if done with patience and love. It will take weeks, months, or even years, depending on the initial condition of the anus involved and the size (particularly girth) of the penis being inserted, before it can be attempted without pain, but after enough experience, anal intercourse can even be done with nothing more than precum or a single drop of lubricant, and a few minutes of playing around. Anyone who tells you otherwise hasn’t taken the time, or “training,” required to actually reach that point. This path isn’t for those without patience, because it will take dedication to get there.
It is possible to experience no pain at all during the anal intercourse. There are some tips to reduce the pain, or maybe experience no pain at all:
Remember that the anus isn’t self-lubricating like the vagina. You need to use your own lubricants in order to decrease the tension. Also remember, there’s no such thing as too much lubricant.
Try stetching the anus before intercourse with your fingers, or a small toy. This will loosen things up. This will also be less necessary after gaining some experience.
Note that the anus doesn’t work the same like a vagina. While the vagina opens up when sexually aroused, the anus is a muscle which is constantly shut by default. Relaxing the rectal muscles is one of the most important things during anal intercourse.
Try not to force anything during the process. It takes a lot of time for the rectal muscles to loosen up and to get used to the feeling.
Some pain may occur during the anal sex, this is completely normal and an indication to do it slower. This will feel a bit like stretching a muscle.
Experiencing stabbing or sharp pains are an indication of something that went wrong, and you should quit immediately with the process.
To quote from my own Better Sex 101 guide:
The anus is amazingly sensitive and can be a source of intense pleasure, if approached correctly – or intense pain if abused.
Rule #1: If it hurts, STOP! You’re doing it wrong!
Get a book, preferably Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 2nd Ed. Read it, think about it, get some anal toys, experiment on yourself, share the book with your partner, and then, if you both decide to go ahead, follow Tristan’s advice and use common sense.
I'd just like to add one tip to the excellent advice already given here by Phyrfox and Adriandmen, and that is to seriously consider using the FC2 - the so-called "female condom" - for anal. The FC2 is a soft, flexible nitrile tube with two retainer rings. The smaller one holds the closed end of the tube inside while the larger one keeps the open end outside.
The FC2 is just okay as a vaginal condom, but where it really stars is in anal sex. Whether you're using toys, fingers, or penis, using the FC2 is much more sanitary and much more enjoyable than going bare. It's also much less likely to get lost inside the rectum than a regular condom.
When used for full penile penetration, the friction is between his penis and the lubricated inside of the FC2, instead of being between the condom and the recipient's anus/rectum, which is much harder to lubricate properly. So both people get more pleasure with the FC2 and the "bottom" is protected against abrasion and pain from being underlubed.
You can't use a regular condom and an FC2 at the same time, but if you're an M/F couple with clean tests and you're using something other than condoms for birth control, one of the greatest things about the FC2 is that it lets you switch back and forth between anal and vaginal penetration without having to stop to sanitize fingers or cocks, so it gives you much more flexibility and lets long sex sessions be much more spontaneous.
More details and tips here.
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