advice, parenting, education, marriageAs an atheist, how would you go about bringing up your children, with a spouse that insists on bringing up the children religiously?
If your spouse insisted on
How would you go about instilling a sense of wonder, exploration and logical thinking, with a partner with conflicting views?
Some ideas would be to tell them all religious stories, having them understand that they are, indeed, just that.
I love the idea of embracing religious study from all religions, and don’t skip the tricky details either emphasize logical criticism. Hinduism has wonderful stories that kids may find appealing, and Greek and Norse mythology gives a child excellent exposure. The more religion you give a child (in narrative form), the more they should be able to see that they are all more or less fantasy. If the child ends up being a theist at least they will be worldly and open minded. Most importantly, be diverse!
I would avoid directly contradicting my spouse. Instead I would spend an equal amount of time with the child exposing them to science. Take them to museums and discovery centers, buy them science kits, I loved those as a kid.
If you instill them not with a sense of wonder, but instead with a curiosity about how the world works then maybe when they’re older they’ll keep that view rather than the closed of views of religion.
That’s not to say the child won’t end up religious. There are lots of scientist that are able to compartmentalize their views about religion.
This is a really tough one. The best answer is not to marry one, but we’ll assume one slipped through the net or you came to your senses post-nuptially. I think the best thing to do would be to take the kids to a variety of other services to make it clear that her religious views are just one of many. And, more nefariously, you could point out all the silly parts of the other religions (without speaking of hers), and they will connect the dots to the silly parts of her religion.
Divorce? Seriously, that is a very big problem between two people as to stay together.
I tend toward the divorce option. However, that doesn’t help the kids in either the long or short term. I think that asking good questions of children and helping them develop sound critical thinking capabilities is a must. Equally, I think highlighting the uncertainty of ones position in the absence of proof is helpful, placing the onus on the child to argue a case rather than regurgitate an opinion. There are myriad excellent documentaries available Cosmos and the ascent of man spring to mind. Most to be avoided; do not acquiesce and allow the neutral case to gain credence (any opinion is fine), these are world views and you must stand up for yours.
This is definitely one of those things that you should talk about before you get married.
Still, it amuses me the number of people who think it really matters. Most atheists are raised with some kind of religious upbringing. It doesn’t make your brain stop working. Conversely, raising a kid without religion is no guarantee they won’t find it later, by themselves. Lot of people find religion late, and they’re the absolute worst.
All you can do is try to teach the kids to think and question. Hopefully your spouse is reasonably open minded.
Make sure the children know that their mother’s religion is not the only one, by telling them about the others, and by telling them about atheism. Also teach them about nature and science, especially the scientific method and the importance of evidence.
I think it’s important to teach people how to think, not what to think. It is better for someone to make up their own mind about their beliefs than to have it made up for them; you can always talk someone out of something they’ve been talked into.
So the best thing you can do is give them as much information as possible, and the means for them to process it rationally. The rest is up to them.
Convert to Islam, get another three wives, and now you can out-vote her. At least the children won’t go to her brand of religion!
I’m in the exact same situation. I find that in an effort to provide balance, I have learned to enjoy and engage my children with science & nature. We do experiments, study natural selection, and try to nurture the logical and understanding part of their brains.
In the end your best bet is to provide them with a good foundation that will enable them to figure things out in any scenario, not just in your home.
If you are a father, you have the advantage! Studies show that the father has the greatest impact on whether children stay or stray from the church. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_attendance#Influence_of_men_on_church_attendance
First of all I think I wouldn’t marry a Christian person but if for some reason I married one, I think the best way to deal with that would be to let the children choose which way they want to go, I can force anyone into believe something the same way I can allow anyone to force my children to believe something just because they do.
Hopefully, this would be dicussed before the children came along, and ideally before the wedding.
It would be a deal breaker for me, so I would likely leave them.
convert your spouse to atheism, or at least a non-arrogant world view… unless you married a dolt it should not prove to difficult
I’m an atheist with a Catholic wife, and she will take the kids to church, or read them bible stories. At first it was weird to me. Furthermore, her mother is strongly Catholic, so when we visit her parents, everyone has to pretend to enjoy going to Church (“has to” simply means “or else there will be a lot of unpleasantness in the air”). She also has a born-again sister, and when we visit that family, we go along with their Christian stuff like prayers at meals. Religion does not cause any friction for us. (In sharp contrast with the born-again relatives vs. the devout Catholic relatives, who apparently each seriously fear the other is going to hell.)
All this doesn’t worry me at all. In fact, it provides material and incentive for me to discuss religion with my kids. I tell them (when I’m alone with them) what I believe (at least when they became old enough that I could be sure they wouldn’t blurt it out to grandma), explain my theory of why other people believe in religion, and so on. They understand easily, and so far as I can tell, they all agree with me that most religious beliefs are pretty silly, a very natural point of view for a kid to have about things.
Not only have the kids learned how to get along with people with different beliefs, but I don’t have to worry that they might be “enlightened” by some evangelist at some point in their future, since due to their experiences their reaction to strongly held religious beliefs is to be quietly amused rather than curious or attracted.
I’m surprised (though of course I shouldn’t be, in this venue) at the extreme anti-religious feelings expressed by many people here (don’t inter-marry, try to avoid interactions, etc.). This is exactly the same type of extremism that I see in the devout born-again and Catholic relatives. Maybe this reaction comes from fear? My atheism is several generations deep and solid as a rock, so I have no fear of religion.
I am happy that my kids love to play with their cousins. If religion were to interfere with that, well, that’s exactly what I don’t like – religion getting in the way of people being nice and getting along. I wouldn’t want atheism to interfere with that either.
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