children, parentingMy wife and I are expecting our first child (hooray!). Neither of us is religious, which is great, but at some point our child will come into contact with children whose parents are and there will be some difficult conversations, no doubt. What is the best advice people can offer on tackling this subject with young children?
I’m going to tell my kids that a god was invented because people didn’t know how things worked, so they would say “a god did it”. And the more you learn how things work, you realize that there are explanations for everything that don’t involve a god. Eventually, you understand that there are probably explanations for things you don’t understand, that probably don’t need a god to make them work.
A lot of people still believe in a god (or “God”), because they don’t know a lot of things yet. That’s why good adults try to teach kids as many things as possible, so they can grow up and learn things on their own.
I don’t mean to make that condescending to believers but, yeah. That’s what I’m going to tell my girls.
There is an excellent book on this subject called "Parenting Beyond Belief" (and the author also writes the excellent Memeing of Life blog).
I agree with alot of the book's recommendations, which follow a few really simple principles:
This is a great question. I'm really interested to hear what others have to say.
My advice is respect. Teach your children to be respectful. Wait until they’re older to teach them about the irrationality of religion. I think young children are simply, well, too young to act appropriately with that information (think of all the teasing that could ensue). Instead, show them that many people around the world and this country believe different things. This includes not just the large monotheistic religions, but animist (e.g. Shinto) faiths as well. There’s no reason a young child can’t accept that some people celebrate Easter and others don’t.
As to how to tackle the parents you will meet who do believe and challenge your child-rearing, I have no words of wisdom.
I never worried about explaining religion to my kids. Because they were always around, as kids will be, they had heard my opinion on occasion. When they asked about it I told them I thought it was lies and deception. I also told them others believed differently.
What I did to prepare my kids for the religious onslaught was to teach them to think. I always challenged my kids to convince me they were right. They were encouraged to challenge me and plead their case. They had to bring rational well thought out arguments to make me change my mind on things. At times I let them convince me of things even if they were wrong, just so they could suffer the consequences of their decisions. I also encouraged them to make mistakes. They were held responsible when they made them and were subject to the real consequences of their behavior. Once they begin understanding you, they are never to young to learn these things. You just have to begin teaching them at their level.
As far as respect is concerned, it is over rated. Teach your kids to be respectful. Teach your kids that respect is earned and that those who don’t earn it should not be afforded it. Teach them this, by teaching them they must earn respect themselves, then show them the respect they have earned. Help them to understand they need to earn it with you and earn it from others, just as other people do. Teach your kids to trust their own judgments.
There is no way to raise kids to be perfect little angels. Kids should be getting into trouble and making mistakes all the time. That is how they learn. If we give our kids the freedom to learn and to understand the real consequences to their actions. They will learn to think critically about their choices in life. It will give them the aptitude to see through the crap that life will throw their way. This includes what religion has to offer.
Your job as a parent is not to cloister your child in a protective shell. It is to prepare your child for the world. This means giving your child the opportunity to experience the world with you as their guide. It is imperative you develop your childs confidence to face the world, and you do that by giving them the confidence to challenge you.
If you do these things you will not have to worry about religion. They will see through the bull and there will never be anything religion could offer them that is better than what they already have.
Also, never use violence to solve your problems. Hitting a child is a cowards answer to problems. It is never discipline. If you are not a competent enough parent to raise a child without resorting to violence, then learn how to be. Once you hit your child, they will lose all respect for you. Fear is not respect. Once that happens then there is nothing you can do that will ever earn it back. It will never be worth what it will cost. Never lie to your child. When you do they will know. Then they will know it is okay to lie, no matter what you say. Remember your kids see everything, and they learn from what they see more than by what you say, and they do see everything. Your child will be a direct reflection to what type of a parent you are. You provide them with the foundation of what will be their life.
With my daughter I plan on letting her decide what she wants when she is old enough. But I will be sure to give her a full explanation as to why I’m an atheist and what I believe provided she asked. Give her a choice but make sure that is an informative choice. And whatever she decides I will support her.
My child copies everything I do….. I tidy up, she tidies up. However if I put my hand on a hot stove she will copy once and then leave me to it. Children are not stupid, just live your life as you do, live your life as you would like your child to do and that child will see that your happy, moral, safe, stress free life does not need a God.
Maybe one day your child asks to go to church say, sure honey. Then answer all the questions with total honesty. If then your child decides to believe then love them as you have always done.
I figure my children will be exposed to religion over the course of their lives, so, like everything else they could potentially be exposed to, I want to be there to guide them properly. I had a great chance to do that, actually, a few weeks ago, when we saw a copy of the bible on the counter of the pizza place where we were waiting for our dinner. I pointed it out to my six-year-old son and said that some people believe that it’s an important book to live your life by, but I went on to say that I don’t agree with that, and, in fact, it’s not what a lot of people say it is.
We left it at that, but about two weeks later, he talked about helping out the birds by gathering sticks for their nests. I reminded him of the bible, and told him – without going into the fact that it’s Numbers 15:32 - 36 – that there’s a part of that book that says that people who gather sticks on the wrong day of the week should be killed. He looked shocked and said he didn’t like the bible…
That also underscores how I’m handling the raising of my children. I’m taking it as it goes along…
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