cultural-identity, advice, ethicsThe general question stands on its own, but I’ll provide a specific example, which also merits a “Yes” or “No” answer. Regardless of answer, please justify/explain it and what the atheist should do.
A friend, suffering a major medical trauma, has a wife who rubs holy water from Lourdes onto the affected area. Devout Catholic doesn’t sufficiently describe her level of devotion. The friend is seeking every available medical option, and mentions to me very slightly jokingly, “I can tell you one thing, the Lourdes water isn’t working.” In an e-mail to him a few weeks later I say, “I’m sending you some things, and including a bottle of tap water you can try rubbing in.”
The wife reads his e-mails, initially blames my friend for joking about her faith, but ultimately ends up demanding I issue her a written apology.
So should I? Should any atheist in a similar situation?
Edit: Injury is chronically debilitating, not life threatening, so there’s no “tragedy” in the situation as one responder asked.
I am with Dawkins when he says that religion has got used to getting a free ride. More or less everyone (especially religious people) expect that we respect religious convictions with a special reverence that is rarely applied to other kinds of convictions. For example: I can perfectly criticise somebody else’s political, philosophical or cultural views, and even joke about it. But religious faith? No way; that’s sacred! And offence is taken extremely seriously here. So seriously, that there are even laws against criticising other people’s religious views (but not political, philosophical or cultural).
So, I am with Dawkins when he says that this free ride must stop, because it is unfair and abusive. I am not saying that we should offend each other happily; what I say is that religious convictions should be treated as any other convictions, and criticism or jokes about them should be modulated by the social and cultural environment where they exist, in the same terms as any other kinds of convictions.
So, to answer your question: if the offence that you portray in your question was about political views rather than religion, would you think an apology was due? Maybe not. Well, there’s your answer.
Yes, but only be sorry about the offence caused, not the actual action. A written apology could look something like:
I'm sorry you were offended by $ACTION
I did what I did for $REASONS
No offence or bad feeling was meant.
Please accept my sincere apology.
The important thing here is that you are not apologising for your beliefs or actions you thought were harmless jokes.
The wife reads his e-mails… [and] ends up demanding I issue her a written apology.
Should you have expected she would be reading his emails? For instance, is he so ill she would be reading them to him? If so, then I would say a verbal apology for mocking her beliefs is in order, but a written apology is going overboard.
If she was just being nosy, you could quietly take her aside and say, “I will be delighted to publicly apologize for joking about your religion right after you publicly apologize for reading mail that wasn’t addressed to you.” My guess is that’s the last you’ll hear of the matter.
I thought about this answer overnight, and realized that my suggestion was combative, and while following it might win the battle, she may also hold a grudge about being backed into a corner like that.
So now, I’d recommend you be more gracious, and simply say, “I forgive you for reading my private email to Joe. Will you pardon me for joking about something you feel is important?” She might still not like being called on snooping, but it’s less antagonistic, and it would be hard for her to say no or hold a grudge.
In general, no, never apologize for stepping over the invisible lines that the religious draw around their ideas. This is just another form of intimidation, and if it is allowed to fester it turns into the current insanity over the danish cartoons.
However, in this specific situation, you might want to consider one. Some people might interpret what you were doing there not as making light of the Lourdes water woo, but of making light of their tragic circumstances. This is one reason religion is so tricky- often their most outrageous claims come out when the gravity of a situation demands you don’t turn it into a debate about their silliness.
Try something like this:
I’m sorry I came across as offensive. I meant it merely as a joke.
This reinforces the fact that you didn’t mean the offense without sacrificing your beliefs. Everyone’s happy.
Of course, you also might want to tell the person “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you don’t deserve to laugh at all.” ;)
Of course you should apologize! Especially if you care about your friend!
That said – apologising and being actually wrong are two different things…
“I am sorry my comment offended you. It was not meant that way, it was a quick joke between me and Bob”.
Never say you were wrong. You weren’t.
This is as far as I would go, if she doesn’t accept the apology, just totally ignore her, she is probably craving attention because of the problematic situation with which she can’t clearly cope, because rubbing water from Lourdes hoping in a miracle is not a normal behaviour even for a devout Catholic.
A somewhat different angle:
Besides all the different aspects of whether you are right or not, an apology can only be granted, not demanded. By definition, if you yield to a demand for apology you are not really apologizing. An apology must be heartfelt, otherwise it isn’t one. It’s just an empty word, and it’s dishonest.
This definition occasionally receives some media attention because whenever someone in a high office screws up, someone else clamors for a public apology. This is not how apologies work. It’s a completely meaningless gesture.
If you don’t feel that you’ve done anything wrong, don’t apologize. In particular, don’t apologize because someone else feels you have done them wrong. Only apologize if you feel that you have done so.
If someone feels offended by something you have done you can only accept or decline responsibility for your action, not for their feelings.
“Your church is pretty much a con” “Your priest is either a liar or deluded” “Your religion harms people”
These statements are factually accurate, given that ‘god’ does not exist and never has. Are they offensive? Yes, to those that are used to their delusion have a free ride.
Does that mean we have not tell the truth? Do we have to soft pedal? Do we really have to apologize for being incredibly angry that a guy in a pointy hat is directly responsible for thousands and thousands of children getting aids? Do we really have to politely smile and not laugh in the faces of people who ‘talk in tongues’ or point out that it’s utter nonsense sounds?
What the hell is up with atheists being afraid to get in the face of these vile people?
Sorry. It’s true I was joking about your belief in magic, but I didn’t think it would upset you that much, and of course I didn’t intend to upset you.
I think you should apologise, not based on her argument (religion) but based on the fact that she’s your friends wife and you should respect her views. Your question title in general misleads - your question is not really about religion, it’s about whether you do the right thing for your friend and make-up with his wife, regardless of her views.
I don’t see this as a religious/atheist issue…. it boils down to, do you care enough about her feelings to apologize? Whether she’s right or wrong doesn’t matter, it matters whether you care enough about your friend to appease his wife’s needs - even if they are crazy. I would talk to your friend about it and see what he thinks… if he thinks you should, he would know best in my opinion.
Suck up your pride on the topic, ignore the right/wrong and mend the relationship.
I like to underline Konrad Rudolphs words: “… [take] responsibility for your action, not for their [her] feelings.”
You may apologize for actions you have taken, not foreseeing the consequences. Later you feel sorry. Here, the irony is, that she read a mail which wasn’t meant for her, so how can she expect you not to criticize her wishful thinking?
It is the result of her weak faith, that she is harmed by your comment, and she is trying to build a tabu, which is binding even for nonbelievers like you.
If she don’t likes critique, she shall abandon believes which are subject to critique, or she shall stand the critique. But she doesn’t believe in the water herself - else she wouldn’t be that much impressed by your opinion, would she?
Maybe she’s a nice person beside that, and so I would probably tell her: ‘I like you, but I can’t apologize for my strong beliefe, that what you do with this magic water is nice meant, but senseless voodoo.’
I wouldn’t walk into a church, and start a debate while their ceremony is going on, but when the field of medicine and health is entered, there is no room for compromises. Proove the water, or leave the room, and keep your silly feelings secret.
A clear position might do some benefit to your friend, to his wife, and to you.
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