family, coming-outAs an atheist whose father is a minister. I find myself going to religious observances every year when I visit my parents as I have put up with this my entire life I do not object. As it is a very sensitive subject how do other deal with the every present nature of belief rituals.
I am with Dawkins when he says “let’s stop being so damned tolerant”.
I’ve always refused to give in and go to church just because some members of my family wanted me to. I would think “why don’t they give in and stop going to church? why is it always me who has to acommodate their wishes?”
So I did my homework, I came out and I explained, clear and nice, that I was not into the church thing. And, since that day, nobody tried to coax me anymore. If I go now it is because I choose to, which is very rarely.
If it’s an issue you want to discuss with your family then do your homework so your responses are logical and coherent, otherwise take the anthropologists approach and see the event as an interesting phenomena and enjoy the festivities.
If I were you and had rationally (on the basis of evidence and explicit reasoning) concluded that in the long run, I and the society would be better off accomodating to that specific instance of religiosity*, I would have tried to at least extract information from it. That is, I try to think about the rituals from an anthropologist’s/psychologist’s perspective, to analyse what’s going on, etc, etc.
On a tangentially related note, religious rituals share features with actions of people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorders. One could adopt that hypothesis as a starting point for analysing the rituals.
*See CesarGon’s post.
On an mischievous track: Start speaking to all other people at these events and tell them that you are a proud and happy atheist and do it in plain sight and earshot of your family. I’m sure next time, your family don’t want you around, as it affects their reputation with their fellow believers.
It depends on the amount of family and what I think their reaction will be. I tend to just abstain from the religious portions and be honest about it. There isn’t much you can say to make it any better for them, so if you decide being honest with your family is the right thing be prepared for them to react negatively.
Just don’t be a douche about it and no one is going to care (unless you go to a scary church). The only things in church that I won’t say/do are the Nicine Creed and communion. I’ve been skipping them for 20 years, and I’ve never had anyone do anything more than give me a look.
Other than that, just think of it as a musical interlude in your life, and move on.
A religious person once told me that “you can not save your own soul at the expense of another.” It is some of the best advice that I have ever received, and I constantly use it as one of my ‘moral measuring sticks’ when faced with an ethical dilemma. Feel free to replace soul with whatever noun you like, i.e. ‘skin’, ‘backside’, etc.
That being said, if it’s not an issue to your father, what right do you have to make it one for him? I bet that seeing you at church gives him great pride knowing that you are a good person. If he’s blissfully unaware that you are an atheist, then let him stay ignorant of that fact.
If he’s constantly asking you about your beliefs, and you don’t want to have an argument with him about it, then you could always explain to him that your beliefs are taking a more existential form. Remind him that you grew up his son, and in the belief system that he embraces, and you still hold the important lessons in life dear to your heart.
If he’s taking a play from Mel Gibson’s book,then you can tell him that it’s his fault. You simply went to the schools and churches that he chose. There could have been no other path that you could have taken.
I had to face the first and second situations with my mother several years ago, although she isn’t a minister. She cornered me on it, and I told her the truth. She could barely keep the tears at bay. I could sense the thoughts that were racing through her mind. “How did I fail my son?”, etc. I took her hand and told her that it was by her example that I learned to take a rational and critical view on life, and that I still followed the same moral compass that she helped me develop. I just don’t get into the rituals anymore. That seemed to lessen the grief a bit, and made it a non-issue after that point.
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