family, coming-outOkay, this is related to this question, but this time, it’s not about some stranger, but about your family.
All of my family (yes, all of them) are very religious people, some of them actively working in the church. Over the past 10 years, I separated myself more and more from their religious beliefs and am only now truly considering myself an atheist.
This separation however lead to the inability of me to talk to them on most subjects of matter: philosophy, politics and social discussions are taboo.
Now how could I make clear to them that I don’t share their beliefs, and start being able to talk normally to them again - without pissing them off too much and putting them on defense?
Start by announcing your atheism to them first - and do so respectfully. Once they digest that, then move on to other topics (philosophy, politics, and social discussions).
When I started discussing religion with my family I simply stated that I don’t believe in God because I don’t see him as a necessary component of our Universe. Then, I paraphrased Pierre-Simon Laplace: “God is an hypothesis that explains everything but predicts nothing.”
My family has a lot of respect for science, so they understood. Obviously, yours might not. Choose the argument you feel they will understand and respect the most, and explain it calmly.
When you will discuss philosophy, politics, social discussions, and religion with them, always keep in mind that their worldview is fundamentally different from yours. As atheists, we tend to not realize how much belief in a god can change how one’s views the world if he or she is very religious but being aware of the difference is of great importance. Arguments that are persuasive for you, or for other atheists, might not be effective with them. Use arguments that can make them understand your point of view; don’t just repeat the arguments that persuaded you, find the ones that they are most sensible to.
So I can only speak to how I’ve approached my non-believer status within my family (which includes a priest as the family’s darling).
Firstly, I’ve never mentioned any terminology, like atheism, agnosticism, non-religious, etc.
Rather than denying any explicit beliefs, what I have done is taken a more pragmatic approach. Occasionally I will bring up topics stating that they have been recently bothering me, e.g. problems of free will, the church’s exclusion of women in leadership positions (my family is Catholic), etc..
This allows me to discuss the issues that matter with my family and if they revert to appealing to authority I usually then refer the conversation to the priest in our family, who is actually quite open minded about discussing difficult issues of many types.
My family knows I generally do not go to mass, and if/when they force me to when I’m home, I take communion to ease the tensions. And, actually, my giving in in these meaningless rituals actually seems to allow them to feel more comfortable with my open questioning of what might otherwise be tumultuous discussions.
I suppose the best strategy I have is to pick my battles wisely, to get them to think about the difficult issues that exist in their faith and the problems it may cause for society at large, while not ruffling at having to go through sometimes hilarious ceremonies to make them more at ease with the “status of my soul”.
My sister is the only one who has openly called me an atheist, and while I didn’t deny it I suggested that when she uses that word she has a particular view that problem does not encompass most of the atheists that are in the world, and especially does not include me, particularly if by that she meant I had no morals. That has been the most confrontational I’ve ever had to be.
In general I think blatantly stating “I’m an atheist” may not be in the interest of continued relations with your family. This may raise hackles and make people defensive, when such defenses and hackles need not be raised.
Further, It to me is unclear whether it is good for the larger atheist community if you do that, though some might say it is, since as a goal that is an endpoint of most atheist communities (i.e. the ability to admit you are an atheist without being subject to discrimination). I think if you take a more gradual issue-by-issue based approach, perhaps people will understand that you aren’t attacking their closely held beliefs out of spite or rejection of your family, but out of sincere concern about the issues at hand. This may only be the case for my family, or I may be even hallucinating in that, but that is the experience I seem to be having, and thus it is my recommendation.
Treat coming out as an Atheist to Religious family like Gays treat coming out to their religious family. There is a lot of literature out there that deals with that. So I won’t get into it. However, it will help you greatly to learn from how they handle what is probably a greater struggle.
There are things that are unique to us, however. We can’t come at them with the argument that we were born this way. They will always have a perfectly rational expectation of wooing us back. You need to decide what is most important to you. Being part of your family, or being right.
You will not convince them that you have taken the correct action. You can only lead by example. Show them that you are still a good person. Show them that you are a BETTER person. You won’t do that by having an argument with Uncle Jim about Evolution. And you won’t do that by demeaning their beliefs.
For most believers the bullshit in their faith is tangential to the spirit of that faith. If they all want to go to church and collect used clothing for the poor? Help them. If they want to do something destructive? Don’t help them.
There are elements of religion that create evil feedback loops, but the individuals at the bottom of the stack, that take active roles are almost universally positive. They are the ones that give us soup kitchens, homeless shelters, and habitat for humanity.
Being an Atheist doesn’t mean crapping on those accomplishments. And all-too-often it looks like we do. Because we can get so frustrated over people riding dinosaurs at a theme park, that we forget to be civil. We act like assholes.
Don’t be an asshole.
Avoid that, and eventually your family will realize you are just trying to be a good person. That you aren’t tainted by the touch of the devil. And that maybe there is something to what you’ve been saying.
Encourage them to do what you did to escape. And I am sure you didn’t get there by having a fist fight over Gay Marriage.
This is partly going to depend on your age (ie financial independence) and whether you have children (their grandchildren.) Really, only you know your family and how they are likely to react to what you might say - and how you say it. Remember two things: they care about you and are genuinely afraid that you will go to hell, and in rejecting what they beleive they will feel that you are rejecting them. So be gentle with their feelings.
That said, you have the right to beleive what you beleive, as much as they do. All you are asking for is that they respect your beleifs as they expect you to respect theirs. Start small, and start with your best allies, and try not to come across as if you are trying to “de-convert” them.
Good luck!
I treat my parents, brother and sister respectfully and honest. I don’t threat their belief with care, but I stay honest and fair in discussions, which are rare.
They know that I am atheist, and mostly we avoid conflicts, but sometimes they don’t realize, how religiously influenced their positions are, and often then I point out, that it is just their believe, not common knowledge.
My mother is sometimes disrespectful to me - I guess she even does prayers for me to ‘find the way back to christ’. When I feel offended with intend, I fire back, which can be quiet unpleasant. That way they see how nice I am most of the time. ;)
I didn’t try to convince them, but I’m quiet angry how my sister and my brother teach their children religion. Both of my siblings studied, so they are pretty enlightened after all. I guess they are too gutless, to leave the church - too gutless, to consequently think and respect their own doubts, and too gutless in a social way: How to tell their parents, how to tell friends, wife, now: their own children and so on.
I hope I can be a trustworthy prototype for an happy atheist for nephews and niece. :)
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