cultural-identity, death-afterlifeIn cases where a friend or family member looses someone close to them, as an atheist I find that I have a hard time properly expressing empathy/sympathy, since so much of the language that is used in such situations is tied up with religious concepts. You will often hear such comments “He/She is in a better place,” or “Your family will be in my prayers.” While there are alternatives such as, “Your family will be in my thoughts,” and the ever-popular, “I’m sorry for your loss,” they do not seem to have anywhere near the same emotional impact, and therefore make me feel awkward in such situations.
What are some better alternatives?
Well, not to be too much of a dick about it, but you could try being genuinely empathetic to them. Expressing religious mumbo jumbo is NOT empathy, it’s a lie.
“Little Puddles didn’t run away, he went to a farm out in the country where he can run and play all day!” that’s the exact equivalent of “They’re in a better place.” - It’s a lie, and it’s a stupid lie.
If you want to express sympathy, do so - Ask them how you can help, what they may need… do you need any babysitting? Do you need any errands run? How about I come over and make a meal for you so you have some down time? - In other words, don’t lie to them, support them as they deal with grief and loss.
I’d like to answer stating the obvious: they don’t have the same effect because your alternatives are inherently passive. A believer doesn’t think “prayer” and “thought” are the same. One of them expects a result - by and large. You won’t ever “think” someone else better, and you won’t ever “sympathize” enough to help someone survive a quintuple bypass more effectively. However, “prayer” is purported solution for believers.
What can an Atheist do that doesn’t belittle their own materialistic position, while providing assistance. Simple, result to materialistic problem solving.
“Two hands working accomplish more than a thousand hands clasped in prayer.”
Donate money to a related charity, or just help raise awareness. No one said a useful solution would be pain-free or easy; rest assured you’re making a difference. And, you’d be making that difference in the most significant and efficient way that you know how.
If that doesn’t hit them the same way, then you need to step back and evaluate the futility of this question, and juxtapose it against your own world-view. If the only solution is the one provided by the petitioner, by merit of him being the petitioner, you’re stuck.
I also wanted to mention that prayer is not empathetic, it is sympathetic. You’re not putting yourself in a subject’s shoes by “praying” for them. In fact, if you’re to believe the doctrines pertaining to “intercessory prayer” you’d be led to believe that distance from the subject actually intensifies the effectiveness of the prayer.
I think the fears and emotions that revolve around death and loss are a huge part of how people come to supernatural conclusions. Considering that, it’s not surprising that religious expressions of sympathy seem to offer more solace than their atheistic counterparts–much in the same way conversations involving logic and reason probably aren’t in the religious arena.
I try to simply be as earnest and genuine and sympathetic as possible.
As an atheist, I would appreciate “Your family will be in my thoughts” much more than “I’ll pray for your family”, although if both are sincere, they are pretty much the same: my family will be in someone’s thoughts.
I also think that your feeling that the praying part is more empathetic because most of us grew in somewhat religious surrounding (even if coming from nonreligious family), it’s in the movies and in the books and papers. It gives the illusion that prayer is a sign of empathy. It’s a social thing.
If there’d be a society without religion at all, they’ll probably react to “I’ll pray for you” as in “errr? okay…?”, even if not saying it.
If you’re talking to a believer, prayer is most reassuring to them. If you’re talking to an atheist, they will translate it into “you’ll be in my thoughts” anyhow, though if you’ll tell them that they are in your thought, it’ll probably be considered more sincere.
I find the question quite interesting, because, having never been a theist, the phrases “you’ll be in my prayers” and “S/he is in a better place” to be the absolute antithesis of empathetic. These are trite, empty, meaningless, false, rote mouthings — at best they set my teeth on edge, and at worst they actually piss me off.
“I’m sorry for your loss” is far from awkward to my ears. Having had my share of grief, I will sometimes add “I’ve been through something similar. I can’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but I’ve been there, so I have some idea what you’re going through.”
Having a hard time expressing empathy is not necessary tied to your Atheism :)
When I had my first funeral it also overwhelmed me and I also had a hard time expressing empathy but after a few funerals…
It’s a learning experience, whether you are Christian or Atheist. Maybe just try to be interested and ask how it was on the last day and what happened.
If you have to think about what you need to say then either Christian or Atheist it will be awkward. The person on the other side does not expect otherwise and is mostly happy to talk about the details on what happened.
“Your family will be in my prayers.”
Best empathetic answer: “thank you”.
Proselitism is boring.
Simply enjoy your social relationships.
We need not transform every interaction in a philosophical battle. ;-)
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